Understanding Pain

My friend said something that is so simple, so obvious, yet profound. "We're all carrying some kind of pain." And each of us responds differently to whatever depth of pain, and height of joy, we have encountered in this life. For better or worse, it has helped shape who we are, along with many other variables.

It is unhealthy to assume my pain is worse than anyone else's, or to ignore my own pain because I believe it pales in comparison to others'. In fact, I don't think it's something that we can or should compare. I have friends who see a 10 mile run as completely doable, in fact, it's routine for them. I have some limiting factors that mean a 10 mile run would cause me a great deal of pain, ongoing pain. If I did run 10 miles, would my pain be irrelevant? Of course not. In my life, it would be very relevant. To those who live with me, it would be relevant. Whether you understand it or not, my pain is relevant to me, it affects me, and it affects how I respond to life and to others.

There are so many layers to us humans. Not only what we've experienced, but our perception of the experience at the time, our individual coping mechanisms, the emotional support that did or didn't exist around us...there's no way we can know all those factors about each other when we don't even know them about ourselves. If the physical pain example above doesn't work for you, here's an emotional example: In the past I would say to my husband, "You're making me feel bad," and he would say, "I'm not making you feel bad; you feel bad. Why do you feel bad?" We can't fix one another's past or its effect on our thoughts and perceptions. What we can do is afford some grace and respect to each other, accept one another at face value and try to be a positive, encouraging aspect of other people's lives that counter-balances previous hurtful experiences. We can learn about, love and support each other, and show one another (and ourselves), kindness.

If I'm in a relationship with someone who wants me to focus on or accommodate or fix their pain, but who has no interest in learning about or acknowledging mine, I don't think that's a healthy relationship. If certain life experiences shaped who I am and that person cares about me, they will care about those experiences.

Showing love and support is valuable, but even more so, is pointing each other to Jesus. We must rely on Jesus, not other people, to heal and redeem the brokenness within us. He is the only friend who knows the depths and heights we've experienced, how they've affected us, and how to use those things for His glory. If we don't go to him, pain is just pain...we carry it, we might learn to live with it, but we live in defeat, and we likely blame others for our state. But in Christ we are overcomers, and our pain is redeemed for His purpose. Good friends, true friends, do not blame or resent each other for their personal pain, but walk together toward Jesus, toward redemption of that pain. And they experience victory over it, together.

Photo by Matthew Henryon Unsplash