Life Changes: The Empty Nest
"Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him." Psalm 127:3
First of all, I'll let you in on the new trend we're starting. No more "Empty Nesters" - that sounds sad and kind of like, the end. Not so! Along with some friends we have deemed our new stage of life "Free Birds". Not to compare parenting to incarceration, but to celebrate the newfound freedom for our young adults, and for us. Freedom to live our independent lives with less calendar-keeping, permission-asking and checking-in. Freedom to watch a movie at whatever volume we want. Freedom to spontaneously go out to eat and not worry that mom cooked dinner, or the kids will starve. Freedom to go on a trip without stocking the fridge first. Freedom to go on a trip and come home to a house in the same condition as it was when you left. Okay, those last two were just for the parents.
The point is, though yes, your baby is growing up and yes, the family dynamic will be different from now on, there ARE some exciting aspects to this time of life! You can choose to be happy. So, yay, us!
I will admit when my oldest moved to college, I went through a period of sadness. I can be emotionally intense, so my focus was "...the dynamic of our family will NEVER be the SAME! Everything is different from now on! The beginning of the end! WAAAAAAH!"
A good friend - one of those you always assume has it all together and handles everything graciously - told me she had to sit with it for a minute. She gave me permission to be sad instead of trying to talk me out of it. I really appreciated that. I was sad for a couple of months, then I started to settle into the new routine, and guess what? There were a lot of positive things about it. I had less stress. Our daughter is not a source of stress personally, but I tend to carry other people's stuff, even mundane stuff like schedules and appointments, and the absence of knowledge of her daily life, meant that I naturally didn't carry as much, unnecessarily. And, it taught me (and I suppose, her) that she was completely capable of carrying her own stuff. I also got to spend more time with our other daughter without feeling like I wasn't giving equal attention, or making the older daughter feel neglected. I learned the joy of sending care packages. And amazingly, she didn't forget we existed, and she didn't disappear. In fact, she began to grow and change and blossom, and it was pretty amazing to watch!
A few years later, it was time for daughter #2 to spread her wings. The previous time someone moved out, it was more about the family dynamic changing. This time, my struggle at least (though I was happy for her since she's wanted to be independent from us since she was 5), was ...where do I fit in now? What is my passion, and where does God want to use me now that I'm more available to pursue something different? When she was home I dabbled in other interests, but my household was always my first priority. Now with Scott working long hours, I wanted to use my time well. Self-care was definitely in order, and I wanted focus. I did not want to wander aimlessly or say "yes" to everything out of obligation, or out of guilt for not working at a paying job. I wanted to be intentional about choosing how to use my time; not wide and shallow, but narrow and deep. I'm that way with relationships, and my life is more fulfilling and less stressful when I conduct my life that way as well.
[While we're on this topic - why in the world, at this huge transition in life, do people ask, "What are you going to do now?" Before you ask anyone (especially a mom) that question, think about where that person is in life. Consider that her emotional state may be a tad fragile. Even if you're just curious, how might she process that question? If she hears the emphasis on "what" it seems like there needs to be a specific big thing like, go back to school and start a second career. Or, walk the streets of Charlotte doing good deeds and feeding the homeless. When the emphasis is on "do," that indicates pressure to begin immediately, for goodness sake, you have to be doing something during all that time you were previously momming! Probably the worst possibility is if she hears the emphasis on "now," you know, now that your sole purpose for living (and the most interesting part), is gone. Now that you've been out of the job market for 18 years and your market value has significantly decreased. Now that you're older and it's harder to keep up with the constant change. I think I've made my point. Don't ask that question. A simple "How are you feeling about all this?" or even better, "We need to go out and celebrate your new stage of life!" are much better options.]
Our situation ended up changing almost a year after child #2 left, when she came back, then child #1 came back for a gap year before grad school, then #2 left again, and now, #1 has moved to start grad school. So we are in what I like to call, Freebirds 2.0. The original Freebirds stint lasted long enough for us to get in the swing of things, and to really start seeing how much fun it could be. So this time, the transition has been easy. I'm not searching desperately for my passion; I'm considering a list of things I'm passionate about, and trying to choose. I'm watching two lovely young ladies figure out adulting and learn life lessons, saying things back to us that we've *kind of* been saying for years. But no lesson sticks better than the one you learn for yourself. Ours is a pretty gratifying vantage point.
There are some hard lessons for them as well, and that's a tougher place for us because at this point we want to coach and teach skills that will last a lifetime, as opposed to teaching them that we will swoop in and fix everything every time life disappoints. Because let's face it, we don't have that power. We want them to depend on God and to be resourceful and diligent, not to depend on us, because we will fail them. We are not sufficient. And, we won't always be here. So, when to help, how to help, how to coach, and how to be at peace when they are not at peace...those are the big questions now. I'm thankful to have a sovereign God who somehow loves our daughters exponentially more than we do. I'm thankful to have a wonderful partner who balances my emotional response with logic and wisdom. We are most blessed with great friends and mentors who have been in these shoes already and who are always at the ready to offer their wisdom.
To you young couples who are in the midst of raising kids, I would offer this: date your spouse. You have to be intentional, you have to plan, but those kids who consume your life right now are going to be separate people who take their own path (I know it's hard for you to envision right now), and Lord willing, your partner will still be there. You need to like each other. I've seen too many who got lost in the kids and when the kids left, did not quite remember their spouse. We went on a date once a month when the girls were little, twice a month when they were elementary age, then weekly when they got older. It's so important, paramount even, to nurture and protect that relationship above all. No guilt is necessary, because you are doing something for the children too when you give them a mom and dad who love each other and enjoy each other.
"Didn't the Lord make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his. And what does he want? Godly children from your union. So guard your heart; remain loyal to the wife of your youth."
"So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife."
Malachi 2:15, 16b
First of all, I'll let you in on the new trend we're starting. No more "Empty Nesters" - that sounds sad and kind of like, the end. Not so! Along with some friends we have deemed our new stage of life "Free Birds". Not to compare parenting to incarceration, but to celebrate the newfound freedom for our young adults, and for us. Freedom to live our independent lives with less calendar-keeping, permission-asking and checking-in. Freedom to watch a movie at whatever volume we want. Freedom to spontaneously go out to eat and not worry that mom cooked dinner, or the kids will starve. Freedom to go on a trip without stocking the fridge first. Freedom to go on a trip and come home to a house in the same condition as it was when you left. Okay, those last two were just for the parents.
The point is, though yes, your baby is growing up and yes, the family dynamic will be different from now on, there ARE some exciting aspects to this time of life! You can choose to be happy. So, yay, us!
I will admit when my oldest moved to college, I went through a period of sadness. I can be emotionally intense, so my focus was "...the dynamic of our family will NEVER be the SAME! Everything is different from now on! The beginning of the end! WAAAAAAH!"
A good friend - one of those you always assume has it all together and handles everything graciously - told me she had to sit with it for a minute. She gave me permission to be sad instead of trying to talk me out of it. I really appreciated that. I was sad for a couple of months, then I started to settle into the new routine, and guess what? There were a lot of positive things about it. I had less stress. Our daughter is not a source of stress personally, but I tend to carry other people's stuff, even mundane stuff like schedules and appointments, and the absence of knowledge of her daily life, meant that I naturally didn't carry as much, unnecessarily. And, it taught me (and I suppose, her) that she was completely capable of carrying her own stuff. I also got to spend more time with our other daughter without feeling like I wasn't giving equal attention, or making the older daughter feel neglected. I learned the joy of sending care packages. And amazingly, she didn't forget we existed, and she didn't disappear. In fact, she began to grow and change and blossom, and it was pretty amazing to watch!
A few years later, it was time for daughter #2 to spread her wings. The previous time someone moved out, it was more about the family dynamic changing. This time, my struggle at least (though I was happy for her since she's wanted to be independent from us since she was 5), was ...where do I fit in now? What is my passion, and where does God want to use me now that I'm more available to pursue something different? When she was home I dabbled in other interests, but my household was always my first priority. Now with Scott working long hours, I wanted to use my time well. Self-care was definitely in order, and I wanted focus. I did not want to wander aimlessly or say "yes" to everything out of obligation, or out of guilt for not working at a paying job. I wanted to be intentional about choosing how to use my time; not wide and shallow, but narrow and deep. I'm that way with relationships, and my life is more fulfilling and less stressful when I conduct my life that way as well.
[While we're on this topic - why in the world, at this huge transition in life, do people ask, "What are you going to do now?" Before you ask anyone (especially a mom) that question, think about where that person is in life. Consider that her emotional state may be a tad fragile. Even if you're just curious, how might she process that question? If she hears the emphasis on "what" it seems like there needs to be a specific big thing like, go back to school and start a second career. Or, walk the streets of Charlotte doing good deeds and feeding the homeless. When the emphasis is on "do," that indicates pressure to begin immediately, for goodness sake, you have to be doing something during all that time you were previously momming! Probably the worst possibility is if she hears the emphasis on "now," you know, now that your sole purpose for living (and the most interesting part), is gone. Now that you've been out of the job market for 18 years and your market value has significantly decreased. Now that you're older and it's harder to keep up with the constant change. I think I've made my point. Don't ask that question. A simple "How are you feeling about all this?" or even better, "We need to go out and celebrate your new stage of life!" are much better options.]
Our situation ended up changing almost a year after child #2 left, when she came back, then child #1 came back for a gap year before grad school, then #2 left again, and now, #1 has moved to start grad school. So we are in what I like to call, Freebirds 2.0. The original Freebirds stint lasted long enough for us to get in the swing of things, and to really start seeing how much fun it could be. So this time, the transition has been easy. I'm not searching desperately for my passion; I'm considering a list of things I'm passionate about, and trying to choose. I'm watching two lovely young ladies figure out adulting and learn life lessons, saying things back to us that we've *kind of* been saying for years. But no lesson sticks better than the one you learn for yourself. Ours is a pretty gratifying vantage point.
There are some hard lessons for them as well, and that's a tougher place for us because at this point we want to coach and teach skills that will last a lifetime, as opposed to teaching them that we will swoop in and fix everything every time life disappoints. Because let's face it, we don't have that power. We want them to depend on God and to be resourceful and diligent, not to depend on us, because we will fail them. We are not sufficient. And, we won't always be here. So, when to help, how to help, how to coach, and how to be at peace when they are not at peace...those are the big questions now. I'm thankful to have a sovereign God who somehow loves our daughters exponentially more than we do. I'm thankful to have a wonderful partner who balances my emotional response with logic and wisdom. We are most blessed with great friends and mentors who have been in these shoes already and who are always at the ready to offer their wisdom.
To you young couples who are in the midst of raising kids, I would offer this: date your spouse. You have to be intentional, you have to plan, but those kids who consume your life right now are going to be separate people who take their own path (I know it's hard for you to envision right now), and Lord willing, your partner will still be there. You need to like each other. I've seen too many who got lost in the kids and when the kids left, did not quite remember their spouse. We went on a date once a month when the girls were little, twice a month when they were elementary age, then weekly when they got older. It's so important, paramount even, to nurture and protect that relationship above all. No guilt is necessary, because you are doing something for the children too when you give them a mom and dad who love each other and enjoy each other.
"Didn't the Lord make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his. And what does he want? Godly children from your union. So guard your heart; remain loyal to the wife of your youth."
"So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife."
Malachi 2:15, 16b
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