What Lies Ahead
HAPPY NEW YEAR! We are fast approaching 2020. Can you believe it? With birthdays and new years, I tend to mourn the passing of the old year. I don't know why - the finality of it I guess? Fear of the unknown? It's not like I'd want to keep living that year over and over. Interesting that the concept of new can hold promise and optimism, or it can cause feelings of sadness and fear.
Contrary to some other years, I'm not sad to see the end of 2019. As I reviewed my calendar for the past 18 months, there were LOTS of doctor's appointments, physical pain, some health scares, and a few transitions that were good, but also stressful. This is what I tallied up:
February: we moved to a new house
April: Libby moved to Orlando, FL
August: Jenna moved to Nashville, TN
Tests and Procedures: nerve test, Radio Frequency Ablation (L4, L5, S1), 2 nerve blocks (S1), upper GI ultrasound, bone marrow biopsy, stress test, endometrial ablation, 2 cyst removals, iron infusion, echocardiogram, colonoscopy, endoscopy
MRIs: back, knee, ears, hip
Steroid Injections: (2) feet; (3) hip; (2) steroid, knee, (3) gel, knee; (3) eardrum (the ones in the feet were actually worse)
The transitions were stressful, but we love our new home and we have not regretted the move for a moment, and the girls are happy in their new locations and we are happy for them. All is well.
And, guess what? Health-wise, I'm fine. Though there were times of waiting and anxiety, all that I endured was treatable, and though it affects my quality of life somewhat, I am still blessed to be able to do much of what I want to do. When we got through each "Kelli's body's mystery of the week," I thought, why? Lord, if there's nothing big that we need to catch and treat, why are you taking me on this exhausting trip? What's the point of all these tests with the conclusion that nothing's broken, you just have pain; no tumor, you just lost your hearing; you don't need a hip replacement, it's bursitis; you don't need arthroscopic surgery, you have osteoarthritis in your knee and it's just going to be like that; no mass, you just need an ablation; looks like your platelets are high for no apparent reason, because we've tested everything...?
The Lord knows me well. He knows that when something feels different or hurts, my mind wanders and seeks out the scariest thing that could happen and sort of hangs out in that space of "it's possible". I could be way off on this, but it's as if he's saying, Kelli, you've pretty much had an MRI on your whole body, your blood's been tested multiple times, you're stocked up on iron, we've spelunked your entire GI tract...do you now understand that you're aging, but you are okay? Now let's go, you're still alive and we have stuff to do!
Amazingly, though it sounds awful when I list those things all at once, spattered amidst all of that were joyful occasions, a couple of great trips with friends, many birthday dinners and fun nights on the patio with friends, new friendships forged, opportunities to share our new home with dinner guests and weekend guests alike. In fact when I first began to review my year, those were the times that came to mind, not the other stuff. That my friend, is grace. Enough for each day, enough to tie a knot and hang on through the hard times. Then other times, so much that it pours into me as if from a fire hose, so that when the year is done, those good memories float to the top easily and the less happy times are a blur.
I know we are all in different places right now. Some had the best year of their lives, and some had the unexpected worst year ever. And maybe neither group of people can explain why things took a turn in that direction. Some are over the moon and some are devastated, and all are undeserving of the place they hold.
I have no answers, but to point you to your Father who loves you. Just as the Lord told the Israelites, "I am doing a new thing," whether you look back on this year with tears or with a smile, you can trust that He is always at work. The events of the past year have changed us, challenged us, and moved us. They have a significant place in our stories, they are part of us, but let's not allow them to hold us captive and keep us from what God has for us in the coming year.
Our friend who delivered Sunday's message, suggested that we not become a prisoner of our past even if it's positive. If we keep looking back and resting in that, we may miss something even greater that God is doing today, possibly the thing for which yesterday was our preparation. Let us have hope, and commit ourselves to seek out the treasures that lie before us, not only in the coming year, but at the onset of each new day. Continue to strive forward, anxiously anticipating what new thing God will do next. He promises not to disappoint!
April: Libby moved to Orlando, FL
August: Jenna moved to Nashville, TN
Tests and Procedures: nerve test, Radio Frequency Ablation (L4, L5, S1), 2 nerve blocks (S1), upper GI ultrasound, bone marrow biopsy, stress test, endometrial ablation, 2 cyst removals, iron infusion, echocardiogram, colonoscopy, endoscopy
MRIs: back, knee, ears, hip
Steroid Injections: (2) feet; (3) hip; (2) steroid, knee, (3) gel, knee; (3) eardrum (the ones in the feet were actually worse)
The transitions were stressful, but we love our new home and we have not regretted the move for a moment, and the girls are happy in their new locations and we are happy for them. All is well.
The Lord knows me well. He knows that when something feels different or hurts, my mind wanders and seeks out the scariest thing that could happen and sort of hangs out in that space of "it's possible". I could be way off on this, but it's as if he's saying, Kelli, you've pretty much had an MRI on your whole body, your blood's been tested multiple times, you're stocked up on iron, we've spelunked your entire GI tract...do you now understand that you're aging, but you are okay? Now let's go, you're still alive and we have stuff to do!
Amazingly, though it sounds awful when I list those things all at once, spattered amidst all of that were joyful occasions, a couple of great trips with friends, many birthday dinners and fun nights on the patio with friends, new friendships forged, opportunities to share our new home with dinner guests and weekend guests alike. In fact when I first began to review my year, those were the times that came to mind, not the other stuff. That my friend, is grace. Enough for each day, enough to tie a knot and hang on through the hard times. Then other times, so much that it pours into me as if from a fire hose, so that when the year is done, those good memories float to the top easily and the less happy times are a blur.
I know we are all in different places right now. Some had the best year of their lives, and some had the unexpected worst year ever. And maybe neither group of people can explain why things took a turn in that direction. Some are over the moon and some are devastated, and all are undeserving of the place they hold.
I have no answers, but to point you to your Father who loves you. Just as the Lord told the Israelites, "I am doing a new thing," whether you look back on this year with tears or with a smile, you can trust that He is always at work. The events of the past year have changed us, challenged us, and moved us. They have a significant place in our stories, they are part of us, but let's not allow them to hold us captive and keep us from what God has for us in the coming year.
Our friend who delivered Sunday's message, suggested that we not become a prisoner of our past even if it's positive. If we keep looking back and resting in that, we may miss something even greater that God is doing today, possibly the thing for which yesterday was our preparation. Let us have hope, and commit ourselves to seek out the treasures that lie before us, not only in the coming year, but at the onset of each new day. Continue to strive forward, anxiously anticipating what new thing God will do next. He promises not to disappoint!
"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.' "
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| Photo by frank mckenna on Unsplash |
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